Svetlana, the Russian MailOrder Bride
by SomeKindOfRomance
Summary: Stan and Kyle hatch a plan to get a wife for Jimbo. Craziness ensues..


_Just a little idea.. came to me in a dream. It amused me somewhat. This is going to be quite short.. maybe about 2 or 3 chapters.. all in all, it could make a big oneshot, but I'm deciding to do it in spurts. This is not a slash between the boys, but it does contain slash... of the Ned/Jimbo persuasion. My first.. and probably last Ned/Jimbo... Nimbo. So here you go.. Oh, and the cc# is not a real one.. any similarities to your cc # are entirely unintentional.. I highly doubt there is any though._

**_Svetlana, the Russian Mail-Order Bride_**

"Who is Svetlana?"

"A lady from Russia."

"Oh." Kyle looked at the picture of the Russian woman and analyzed it from top to bottom. "She doesn't look very Russian," he stated matter-of-factly.

"You of all people should know that you can't tell a person's nationality from the way they look... In most cases, anyways."

Stan took the picture of Svetlana out of Kyle's hands and began to inspect it himself. "You think she'll do?"

"What are you talking about? You're way to young for her. Even if you moved to Russia, it's probably be against the law for her to marry an eight year old."

"I'm nine.. you're eight," Stan corrected.

"Whatever.. you know where I'm going with this."

"I know.. but you jump to conclusions way to fast.. She's not for me... She's for Uncle Jimbo."

"Jimbo?" Kyle sat up, fixated on the subject of Stan's marvelous plan.

"Yea.. He came over for dinner last night. He seemed really upset, talking about how lonely he is and everything. The thing is, no one in South Park seems to take to him.. in that way and-"

"You're forgetting Cartman's mom. She'd like Jimbo."

"She'd like anything with a male reproductive organ."

"True... do continue."

Stan cleared his throat and prepared to explain his elaborate plans. "Uncle Jimbo hardly ever leaves South Park, which means that he'll have a hard time finding someone... but if we bring someone, not from South Park-"

"I get what you're saying," Kyle said with a grin. "It's a genious plan. How are we gonna get her?"

"My mom's credit card." Stan reached into his back pocket and pulled out the piece of plastic.

"Whoa dude, how'd you get that away from your mom?"

"She was watching Oprah. The world around her ceases to exist when she turns that show on."

"Oh. That's like my mom and 'The View.'"

"Exactly." Stan sat up in his chair and cracked his knuckles. "I dunno how hard this is gonna be... I'm hoping not too hard. Are you sure you wanna help me?"

"Of course dude. Anything for Jimbo."

"Great," Stan said cheerfully as he headed over to his phone. "Kyle, can you read me the number?"

"Yea."

Kyle read off the numbers as Stan punched in the buttons. Once the phone started ringing, the black haired boy crossed his fingers, hoping for the best.

"Ello?"

"Hi... Is this Svetlana Korsakov?"

"No, you 'ave to dial extention 24."

"Ok." Stan did as he was instructed and waited for the voice of Jimbo's (hopefully) future wife.

"Hallo?"

"Um, hi. Is this Svetlana?"

"Yes eet ees. How may I be of service?"

"Well, you see, my uncle... he needs a wife. He's a very nice guy and-"

"Do you 'ave moneys?"

"Uh, yea."

"Good. I take down credit card number now?"

"Sure, hold on." He motioned for Kyle to come over. "Read me the number dude."

"Kay... 9211..."

"9211.."

"3831..."

"3831.."

"2428..."

"2428..."

"0900.."

"0900."

"So number is 9211-3831-2428-0900?" Svetlana queried.

"Yes."

"Where are you location?"

"South Park, Colorado."

"When should I come?"

"As soon as possible."

"Pick me up at airport?"

Stan cringed at Svetlana's horrible english. "Yea, sure."

"Ok, I leave in morning. I be there in 2 hours from 8 am tomorrow."

"What? It takes longer than that to come from Russia."

"I'm in Nevada, kid."

"Huh?" Stan could've sworn the woman had a New York accent.

"I sayed I'm in the Nevada." She corrected, this time with the proper Russian accent.

"Alright," Stan looked over at Kyle and gave him the thumbs up sign. "See you in the morning."

"Ok byebye."

"Bye."

Stan slammed the phone back into its cradle and did a victory dance. "Jimbo's gonna have a wife!"

"Alright!" Both boys said at the same time.

"We pick her up tomorrow morning. She'll leave at 8 and be here by 10."

"How is that possible?"

"She's in Nevada."

"Oh." Kyle stopped to ponder for a second. "Dude, she's so not Russian."

"Is too."

"Let's think about this for a second, Stan... She's in Nevada, and she doesn't look very Russian."

"Kyle, you think too much. Her name is Svetlana... enough said."

"Alright," Kyle conceeded. "So what do we do now?"

"We build a huge ass sign to take to the airport."

"A sign?"

"Yea, it'll say, "Welcome Svetlana... so she knows that it's us."

"Oh yea. We should decorate it so it stands out."

"Glitter and highlighters? Shit like that?"

"Mhm."

"Do you have glitter?"

"No, do you?"

"No."

"We better get shopping then."

"To Main Street we go," Stan said, flashing his mother's credit card."


End file.
